Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
