If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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