Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
FUCK WHALES
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
