The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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