Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
