im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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