Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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