I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
