my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
