dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
