Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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