Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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