So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
