hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
