oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
