Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
