one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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