i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
