No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
