who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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