She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
