Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
