And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
