he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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