Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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