i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
