Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
