so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
How does it feel to date your dad?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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