Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
COCAINE IS GR8
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