I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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