OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
