ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
