Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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