Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
