are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
