I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
