my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
