i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
