um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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