90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
operation harelip BJ is a go
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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