Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
