dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
