last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
