Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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