I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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