I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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