i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
