A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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