Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
