I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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